Lets be real.

I am excited to start blogging again, not that I couldn’t blog the past year... I am just a horrible blogger and of course got caught up with the business of life! Boy, is that an understatement too, In the past year I have planned a wedding, gotten married and received more promotions than I deserve...(Not boasting or bragging, simply awestruck with how blessed I am that the LORD would allow me to feel so special and capable!) Seriously though, when I look at everything that he has done for me this year there are SO many HUGE things!!!! It’s been a ride and super busy and awesome all at the same time! I am joyful to say I am BLESSED!!!! I do not deserve it. But I am so grateful for it. Of course I am still very much a sinner and selfish but I’ve found that writing down what I am thankful for helps me to really see it. If that makes any sense. For me, when I take time to think out my blessings the mist of selfishness and pity parties part like the red sea and all of a sudden there is all this beautiful bright hope that comes forth. Why is it so hard to keep that close by?! I beat myself up a lot because of this; I mean for real-I really suck sometimes... lol... Don’t take me for some girl in a corner crying over my failures; I mean, I do that sometimes; but that’s not who I am. I think it’s healthy to be able to SEE the sin in your own life and admit to it. I would consider that a strength of mine, if I was ever giving anyone advice especially when I was in my "Golden Faith Years" (Side note: My golden faith years were back when I was in High School, believe it or not I was super on fire for Christ... don’t get me wrong, I still LOVE Jesus but life kind of B**** Slapped me pretty hard and I landed on my back. Hi, my name is Brittany and I’m human woman, addicted to sin). During that time I was blessed with people that saw the passion GOD gave me and he would often bless me with the ability to speak encouragement into people’s lives. Whenever he allowed me to do so, I always made sure the individuals I spoke with new how much of a sinner I was, and how unworthy I was and still am to even speak GODs holy name. See, I went to a church whose motto was REAL LIFE. Not fake Christian "I’m so in love with Jesus but I’m hurting and really mad on the inside and don’t want you to see that because you might think I’m weak" church, No... This is a church that Thrived off of open confession of sin and finding strength in admitting weakness. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 What powerful truth! That was the truth that made me THRIVE in FEARLESS Faith! That was the truth that brought me to my knees and saved me from an addiction of Depression, self-harm and Pity that I constantly fell back into. That IS the truth that brings tears to my eyes remembering all Christ has done for me, for my family and for some of the dearest friends I’ve ever had. Friends that even though we are not as close as we used to be, I know we will be FOREVER bound because of our faith in Jesus. “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:8-10 Oh if I could even express in words how amazing and life changing that faith was-- it would blow your mind... FO real people... I experienced it and it still blows mine! So back to landing on my back, I’m about to get up close and personal with feelings I have been great about bottling up for the past 3 years. Like everyone one of you at some point in your life, I got hurt. So bad that I began to resent people and be so bitterly angry , it took a long time for me to start healing from it; over a year actually. So long, that I almost forgot the whole reason for being hurt in the first place. In the beginning I was angry because I felt betrayed and someone I loved was wronged. My anger started pure, and then grew so rapidly and so dangerously that before I knew it, I was buried in it. I didn’t know I was killing myself slowly and painfully. After all, what good does my anger do to solve any problem? Last time I checked it only brought me down. I had a realization moment about a year and a half into it, my eyes were opened and I was filled with shame. What have I done?! Where did my faith go?! I abandoned GOD in the midst of “trusting” him! How did this happen? How could I have done that?! Ironically I noticed my sin and all the wrong I had been doing, but instead of changing I gave up. During that time I was attacked so badly spiritually that the enemy took over my home. I could feel the evil that lurked in my room and I became paralyzed by fear. I just remember hearing a terrifying voice; I knew I wasn’t alone in my room that night. I prayed as loud as I could with tears streaming down my face and not being able to move. My phone was right next to me but I couldn’t grab it. When I gained enough strength to reach my phone and call my roommate who (not so coincidentally) was at a prayer night at my church. She like an angel appeared at home with 6 other prayer warriors and they prayed over me and my house. There is something so eerie about losing hope. Like a scary movie; you don’t know what’s coming, but there is definitely something lingering around, and whatever it is… it isn’t good. My Christian brothers and sisters brought life back into my house that night, and while that wasn’t the last time I would feel that spirits fear, it was the last time it came that close. (Pause, for a booya in your face satan moment)… Spiritual warfare is real. And I knew it was before that night, but I didn’t know how serious it could be until I experienced the severity of it. I still get goose bumps when I talk about it, which until now has only been maybe 2 times. I am not fond of this memory because my relationship with GOD was still in strong enough in my eyes to where I should have been able to dismiss that demon from my home. I should have been able to pray hard enough to scare the baJESUS out of that demon and send him back to hell where he belongs, never to torment another soul again. I couldn’t. After that night I was ashamed that I was not strong enough and I began to blame GOD for not coming and interjecting on my behalf (Even though he did using all those selfless people that night, of course blind dumb dumb me could see that then), I was mad because he didn’t give ME the strength to do it, he disregarded ME, everything I had don’t for him… Because, I am so awesome and deserve credit… NOT... I was selfish, stubborn, blind and hateful. I absolutely DESERVED to feel the very fear that I felt. That will always be a reminder that I AM NOT HOME YET!!!!! I am still working for him, I am not finished and if he was done with me than he would have let me take my own life years ago when I was BEGGING him to let me die!! He didn’t. In fact this guy has saved me countless times, not only because I tried to take my own life but because I have always been a daring lil lady that likes to do things without thinking! He has saved me. He is gracious. He is generous. He had a plan the whole time. GOD has spoken to me and told me clearly to stop moping and start LIVING like I am supposed to live. To live a life that is pleasing to him. A life not fulfilling my selfish desires, a life where I no longer sit in silence in a corner but use the very voice that he has blessed me with to speak my testimony to others. A testimony that whether anyone likes it or not, whether I like it or not, its mine and there is nothing I or anyone can do about it! I don’t get another one. So this is me embracing it. This is me praying that in some way big or small that GOD would empower you like he is empowering me now to be real and honest not only for your sake but for mine as well. I have been hiding. I’ve been hiding from people, from my past and from GOD. I’ve been hiding because now that the realization of my sin has come into the light, I am full of shame and regret because I KNOW BETTER! I sit here disciplining myself; because, come on Britt, you know this stuff. I don’t know much of anything, but BOY I know MY JESUS! My Jesus that has shown me truth like I’ve never known; Friendship that is true and Unbreakable; LOVE that is endless; A joy that is unmovable; Hope that changed my life; Kindness, when I offered none to my wicked self. I can no longer live the way I used to. I AM FORGIVEN! I am redeemed! Jesus gave me life. A good one, here’s to LIVING for Christ!!! “But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.” Ephesians 2:4-5 I have a long way to go. The journey will not be easy, but who ever said easy is more fun! So here is to Jesus, to picking up my cross, to following him, to loving him and to surrendering everything for his glory! There are many challenges ahead but I hold on to his unwavering truth. “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”-Philippians 4:13 Thanks for listening... And may GOD who is RICH in MERCY and LOVE bless you abundantly!