Control Freak

For those who know me very well, you know that the title of this blog rings very true in my life. For those who don't know me... I am a control freak! I love to plan out each moment of my life... If you doubt me, ask my Husband; he will quickly shatter them! Having this "Problem" during some of the most important times in my life has been beyond a blessing. A great example would be my wedding... I learned that i am a very good wedding planner! After getting married i contemplated becoming the JLO of REAL LIFE wedding planning. Cause lets be real people, that movie is very far from my reality! Seriously though, Brandon and I got engaged on June 18th in front of the Golden Gate Bridge in "Our Love City" San Francisco! Our song is I left my heart in San Francisco, so my romantic man decided to take me there for our 2 year anniversary... Much to my surprise (It was a surprise because he told me just months before that i shouldn't get my hopes up because a proposal would not happen on the trip... I know Horrible!) he popped the question. Anyways, right when we got back the engines on my Wedding Mode brain shot on and in the matter of 1 month we had our Venue, Cake Lady, Florist, Photographer, Preacher and I had found my dress and my bridesmaid dresses! It all got done so fast that the remaining 8 months of our engagement dragged on because we had nothing else to do... For a while that is! I firmly believe that the LORD was watching over us and had his hand in everything we did, however, i will say that i believe he gave me this desire to be in control for a reason. That's the good side. Any other control freaks out there will probably relate the the bad side of the spectrum as well!!! The side where good things get ruined because of my inability to be free and allow GOD to work in HIS timing. That's a big phrase that if I am honest I have never liked to admit. GOD works in HIS timing! Not mine, I cannot be in control when he is. Ouch.  If I am even more honest, taking credit for the planning of my own wedding is also a curse of the control freak status. Because if I am even more honest I would tell you that there was NOTHING in me that could have performed all those tasks alone. I had no idea what I was doing, while i was persistent the LORD directed me to the people that would ultimately run my Wedding and make it as perfect as it was. Not me, not my abilities to control. GOD's ability to extend grace and allow me the wedding of my dreams.

I get weekly wisdom and daily bible verses sent to my email, often times i will constitute that as spending time with Jesus each day. Of course we all know he deserves more. However he has used those on multiple occasions to speak to me or others around me. The inspiration for me admitting more of my faults came in that form this morning. It says"Frustrated? It may be because you're trying to make something happen that only GOD can make happen."

I struggle with control issues. Even when i have seen countless times how GOD can work and perform the miraculous when i back out of the way. In the midst of the things that GOD brings to my attention and the things that are uncomfortable for me to share, i am grateful. He has been the spark to all the beauty in my life. And while I live through my struggles of being in control, he continually reminds me that he still loves me in all my unworthiness and he is patient with me.

I hope your Friday is wonderful, and Free. I intent to live free for today! Praying my control wont overtake me!

You are Beautiful

Dear Loved Child of GOD,

You are adored and cared for in a way that is incomprehensible. The love that is poured upon you is a kind of love mere human minds cannot comprehend or give out. Agape love. You are special and you were created for a purpose only you could fulfill. Absorb these words into the deepest parts of your soul. Feel the love that Father has for you. Embrace it and accept it. Open the door of your heart that he may whisper how special you are.

"All your words are true; all your righteous laws are eternal." Psalm 119:160 

"All scripture is breathed out of GOD and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction and for the training in righteousness..." 2 Timothy 3:16

"So God created mankind in his own image,in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them."Genesis 1:27

"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good"..Genesis 1:31 Other translations say Then God looked over all that he had made, and it was excellent in every way."

Brothers and Sisters, you were created for a plan and purpose. All of you. The parts you admire most and that you despise about yourself. What you see as beautiful and the things you see as ugly and unworthy. The LORD made each of those pieces for a purpose. The small and insignificant and the biggest parts of yourself. And he loves ALL OF IT!

"Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with loving-kindness have I drawn you and continued My faithfulness to you."Jeremiah 31:3

“I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Live within my love." John 15:9

This world tells you that you are ugly and plain unless you meet specific criteria. However the LORD planned for you to be different, special and unique so that you would fit the criteria of your life that only you, precious person could meet. There is no other you, and it was meant to be that way.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you to be a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5

"For all that is in the world desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions is not from the father but is from the world." 1 John 2:16

"Do not conform to the patter of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what GODs will is-- his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

The things you see as ugly in yourself, the LORD has planned and purposed for good. Everything that has and will happened to you is for a reason. There is no small or obsolete part of your life. You were knit together in such a way that each and every ounce of you is meant to be used. You were made by GOD to be used for him.

"And we know that GOD causes ALL things to work together for good to those who love GOD, to those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28"

 The plans of the Father are not limited. The plans of the Father are eternal. Trust in his promises and hold on to the truth of the scriptures that are living and relevant to you today. Live in him and be fulfilled.

Know this dearly loved, fearfully and wonderfully made child of the most high GOD!
He delights in you.

"The LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love. Psalms 147:11"

The LORD wants you to be free from bondage, He wants you to be free from the feelings of insecurity and unworthiness.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the LORDs holy people, to grasp how wide and love and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of GOD. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more hat all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:16-21"

Lets be real.

I am excited to start blogging again, not that I couldn’t blog the past year... I am just a horrible blogger and of course got caught up with the business of life! Boy, is that an understatement too, In the past year I have planned a wedding, gotten married and received more promotions than I deserve...(Not boasting or bragging, simply awestruck with how blessed I am that the LORD would allow me to feel so special and capable!) Seriously though, when I look at everything that he has done for me this year there are SO many HUGE things!!!! It’s been a ride and super busy and awesome all at the same time! I am joyful to say I am BLESSED!!!! I do not deserve it. But I am so grateful for it. Of course I am still very much a sinner and selfish but I’ve found that writing down what I am thankful for helps me to really see it. If that makes any sense. For me, when I take time to think out my blessings the mist of selfishness and pity parties part like the red sea and all of a sudden there is all this beautiful bright hope that comes forth. Why is it so hard to keep that close by?! I beat myself up a lot because of this; I mean for real-I really suck sometimes... lol... Don’t take me for some girl in a corner crying over my failures; I mean, I do that sometimes; but that’s not who I am. I think it’s healthy to be able to SEE the sin in your own life and admit to it. I would consider that a strength of mine, if I was ever giving anyone advice especially when I was in my "Golden Faith Years" (Side note: My golden faith years were back when I was in High School, believe it or not I was super on fire for Christ... don’t get me wrong, I still LOVE Jesus but life kind of B**** Slapped me pretty hard and I landed on my back. Hi, my name is Brittany and I’m human woman, addicted to sin). During that time I was blessed with people that saw the passion GOD gave me and he would often bless me with the ability to speak encouragement into people’s lives. Whenever he allowed me to do so, I always made sure the individuals I spoke with new how much of a sinner I was, and how unworthy I was and still am to even speak GODs holy name. See, I went to a church whose motto was REAL LIFE. Not fake Christian "I’m so in love with Jesus but I’m hurting and really mad on the inside and don’t want you to see that because you might think I’m weak" church, No... This is a church that Thrived off of open confession of sin and finding strength in admitting weakness. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 What powerful truth! That was the truth that made me THRIVE in FEARLESS Faith! That was the truth that brought me to my knees and saved me from an addiction of Depression, self-harm and Pity that I constantly fell back into. That IS the truth that brings tears to my eyes remembering all Christ has done for me, for my family and for some of the dearest friends I’ve ever had. Friends that even though we are not as close as we used to be, I know we will be FOREVER bound because of our faith in Jesus. “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:8-10 Oh if I could even express in words how amazing and life changing that faith was-- it would blow your mind... FO real people... I experienced it and it still blows mine! So back to landing on my back, I’m about to get up close and personal with feelings I have been great about bottling up for the past 3 years. Like everyone one of you at some point in your life, I got hurt. So bad that I began to resent people and be so bitterly angry , it took a long time for me to start healing from it; over a year actually. So long, that I almost forgot the whole reason for being hurt in the first place. In the beginning I was angry because I felt betrayed and someone I loved was wronged. My anger started pure, and then grew so rapidly and so dangerously that before I knew it, I was buried in it. I didn’t know I was killing myself slowly and painfully. After all, what good does my anger do to solve any problem? Last time I checked it only brought me down. I had a realization moment about a year and a half into it, my eyes were opened and I was filled with shame. What have I done?! Where did my faith go?! I abandoned GOD in the midst of “trusting” him! How did this happen? How could I have done that?! Ironically I noticed my sin and all the wrong I had been doing, but instead of changing I gave up. During that time I was attacked so badly spiritually that the enemy took over my home. I could feel the evil that lurked in my room and I became paralyzed by fear. I just remember hearing a terrifying voice; I knew I wasn’t alone in my room that night. I prayed as loud as I could with tears streaming down my face and not being able to move. My phone was right next to me but I couldn’t grab it. When I gained enough strength to reach my phone and call my roommate who (not so coincidentally) was at a prayer night at my church. She like an angel appeared at home with 6 other prayer warriors and they prayed over me and my house. There is something so eerie about losing hope. Like a scary movie; you don’t know what’s coming, but there is definitely something lingering around, and whatever it is… it isn’t good. My Christian brothers and sisters brought life back into my house that night, and while that wasn’t the last time I would feel that spirits fear, it was the last time it came that close. (Pause, for a booya in your face satan moment)… Spiritual warfare is real. And I knew it was before that night, but I didn’t know how serious it could be until I experienced the severity of it. I still get goose bumps when I talk about it, which until now has only been maybe 2 times. I am not fond of this memory because my relationship with GOD was still in strong enough in my eyes to where I should have been able to dismiss that demon from my home. I should have been able to pray hard enough to scare the baJESUS out of that demon and send him back to hell where he belongs, never to torment another soul again. I couldn’t. After that night I was ashamed that I was not strong enough and I began to blame GOD for not coming and interjecting on my behalf (Even though he did using all those selfless people that night, of course blind dumb dumb me could see that then), I was mad because he didn’t give ME the strength to do it, he disregarded ME, everything I had don’t for him… Because, I am so awesome and deserve credit… NOT... I was selfish, stubborn, blind and hateful. I absolutely DESERVED to feel the very fear that I felt. That will always be a reminder that I AM NOT HOME YET!!!!! I am still working for him, I am not finished and if he was done with me than he would have let me take my own life years ago when I was BEGGING him to let me die!! He didn’t. In fact this guy has saved me countless times, not only because I tried to take my own life but because I have always been a daring lil lady that likes to do things without thinking! He has saved me. He is gracious. He is generous. He had a plan the whole time. GOD has spoken to me and told me clearly to stop moping and start LIVING like I am supposed to live. To live a life that is pleasing to him. A life not fulfilling my selfish desires, a life where I no longer sit in silence in a corner but use the very voice that he has blessed me with to speak my testimony to others. A testimony that whether anyone likes it or not, whether I like it or not, its mine and there is nothing I or anyone can do about it! I don’t get another one. So this is me embracing it. This is me praying that in some way big or small that GOD would empower you like he is empowering me now to be real and honest not only for your sake but for mine as well. I have been hiding. I’ve been hiding from people, from my past and from GOD. I’ve been hiding because now that the realization of my sin has come into the light, I am full of shame and regret because I KNOW BETTER! I sit here disciplining myself; because, come on Britt, you know this stuff. I don’t know much of anything, but BOY I know MY JESUS! My Jesus that has shown me truth like I’ve never known; Friendship that is true and Unbreakable; LOVE that is endless; A joy that is unmovable; Hope that changed my life; Kindness, when I offered none to my wicked self. I can no longer live the way I used to. I AM FORGIVEN! I am redeemed! Jesus gave me life. A good one, here’s to LIVING for Christ!!! “But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.” Ephesians 2:4-5 I have a long way to go. The journey will not be easy, but who ever said easy is more fun! So here is to Jesus, to picking up my cross, to following him, to loving him and to surrendering everything for his glory! There are many challenges ahead but I hold on to his unwavering truth. “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”-Philippians 4:13 Thanks for listening... And may GOD who is RICH in MERCY and LOVE bless you abundantly!